Updated: Feb 8
My mind races with thoughts of how it can all go wrong because I have this all before. I knew what would happen before it did so when the question was asked I knew what answer I should give. Why did I say yes? Why did I say no? Why couldn't I state the reason why I gave that answer without stuttering or forgetting the words that were calculated and prompted in my head? Oh yeah. That's right. It makes you happy to hear that my response is me agreeing with you. Whether wrong or right, no matter how I feel as long as you are happy and comfortable. Even if it's at my expense, I have done this so many times that it almost routine for you to ask rhetorical questions. They are only rhetorical because you know my answer will be what you expect.
I am devastated.
I am so thoroughly disappointed in myself. I think I understand now why I have struggled for so long. I have lied to myself for years and without because it kept you happy. I never went against you because that would uproot the foundation of lies that has allowed you to sit so high on that pedestal. So, does that mean we lie to each other? When you say such great things about me, do you believe it or are you making an attempt to make me believe based off the quid pro quo we have in place?
I have struggled.
I have been abused.
I have never hidden my confusion.
You are unable to accept anything other than your own thoughts and opinions. You want what you want when you want it. All the while you will try to make me believe its about us when its about you. YOU! The choices you make in a generalized manner without thought that benefit you but will effect me anyway. I will suffer for agreeing but I compromise because your comfort means I am in a state of confusion. I am starting to believe that the cycle has become such a place for me. A place of frustration that I need in order to feel like a needed human. I am so used to it that I wouldn't know what to do without it. If I don't answer the way that you want then I don't matter enough for you to wonder if I am being honest. I don't even have to be honest anymore, I can just flow with whatever is going on.
You angrily disagree.
I am saddened by the truth of it all.
Still I compromise.