Pain and Pleasure

Wrapped around the fingers that pull life from my body with the rage of a thousand beasts I still see the innocence that was stolen from your eyes. I gasp with little ease while you ensure your grasp is tightly fit to keep my voice mute. The peace that would come from the depths of the depression that I have carried with me for years isn't coming as swiftly as I thought. I actually fight for something I am unsure I am capable of keeping up. Never one to want to live in a world where I have ever had value, I have always been worthless to many but of so much value to their needs. I cry real tears of regret, angst and fear while pressing into your chest with all my might. Your only response is SUBMIT. I couldn't submit because if I do then I will be unhappy in a miserable shell of myself. The tears don't stop even when you release me from the hold on my air supply. My body is wrecked with pain and my neck aches while thoughts flood my brain. I cry harder than I have ever cried before and yet the only thing you feel is guilt maybe even shame. I no longer feel. At some point while crying there was something that shut off, all the way off. The tears stopped flowing and my heart stopped beating I no longer want to feel any of the things that led to the moments where I need you to understand what I am trying to say. I don't need you to care enough to wonder. I am going to have to adjust but it was worth it. It wasn't doing anything but depriving me from seeing the bigger picture. I don't want the same things anymore, why should I? The darkest parts of me and the light that was once in me are now collided without the battle. There is no need to fight for things that want to be fought for. I am living and that's what matters.


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