I'm Screwed Up But My Kids Are Free

In a world full of designer and perfect bodies, I am the epitome of introvert that most would consider to be sheltered. I have a number of reasons why I am screwed up but I had to realize in my adulthood that those things don't define me. I have been to the bottom in my teen years full of depression, anxiety and bulimia while dragging my kids into my bad choices in my 20's. In every one of those situations I had to push myself out of the old mindset of giving up and running away as I had so many times before. I have suffered from trauma that no child should ever have to experience all while questioning who I was and what I was capable of. There were people around me that told me who I should be and never thought I could my own thing without their instruction or guidance. I was never allowed to have feelings, ideas, or thoughts if they didn't involve God, faith and/or religion.

During some point in my childhood, I began to wonder if God was even real. I wouldn't go as far as being an atheist but I definitely knew that when I prayed things didn't just get fixed or automatically go right which only frustrated me more. Have you ever had someone tell you that God came to them and told them something about you that you are pretty sure he never told you? I mean can anyone really explain to me how you can receive a message from "The Most High" about someone to justify criticizing them? I always felt shame, pressure, and an overwhelming feeling of angst because I needed to be validated and approved of. I couldn't go against God and his servants, that would mean I was going to hell. How could I possibly go to hell? Screw all the things I wanted to do, I had to get back in Gods good graces because I could be damned to hell already.

When I was raped I couldn't be a little girl who was victimized I had to pray for forgiveness and tell God I would never put myself in that position again. I had to go to church every Sunday and hope that would wash me clean of my sin because I would be a disgrace to the Christians that still saw me as pure. When I attempted to commit suicide those 5-7 times in my teen years I had to beg for God to forgive me for trying to take away the life that he had given me with horrible fucking people full of judgement staring down their noses at me. When my best friend died at the age of 10 in a car accident with her drunk for a mother I had to ask God why he would give her that woman for a mother and why she had to be the one to lose her life for no reason at all?

I have done drugs to stop the pain and never was able to numb it enough to continue to endure this thing called life which would always make me want to commit suicide yet again. I have made the worse choices and ended up homeless with my kids because I couldn't get past the pain of my life. I fought with every demon I could to ensure that my kids would never be homeless again. Yet, here I am in a world full of ungrateful beings saying that I won't pass judgment on them but expecting it on all sides. It doesn't matter my skin color, what matters to me is being able to be myself without a stereotype or fixation on who people think I am supposed to be. I have listened to other people and did as they wanted me to do for years and still ended up being rejected by them and alone. All the people I was raised with are not apart of my life anymore and I know in my heart now that it is for the best. I do not force my kids to believe anything that doesn't fit them and they are free to communicate who they are without me opposing them. I will not create and build human beings that hate the world that we live in because they can't be themselves. This is not a box, they do not have to stay in the confines of anyone else's perceptions define them. Perfectly Made Imperfections standing tall in our flaws and that is what makes us who we are!


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