It's Heavier Than I Thought


I walked this fine line in blindness while carrying all childhood years with me. I had never seen love, happiness, or peace of mind that didn't come with some type of catch. The women I saw didn't have it all together but they knew how to fake it. I didn't know that at the end of the day they were painting on smiles with makeup and spraying on happiness with perfume. The men that were around me were either standing strongly on the toxic masculinity they had been taught. I grew up in hopes that I was right about all these people. I was being shown what a woman was allowed to do in a world where men were in charge. My perception was skewed by the thought that women were supposed to love a man with everything in them and there were no complaints. The man was in charge of the household and I was to be the maid.

I fell into the trap of agreeing to things that I definitely wasn't prepared for. I have had so many people with their ideas about relationships. Our mothers accepted things in their relationships that we see as toxic now. Those things come back and bite us later due to the fact that our parents never explained anything to us. We were always told to stay in a child's place although we had to deal with the repercussions of their actions. There were always consequences for our actions although we never saw them take accountability for the things they did wrong. We hardly ever knew that they were wrong because of our age and the secrets that were kept from us. All of the things that happened in childhood would be carried over to our adulthood.

Apparently, the hardest part of being a kid was doing chores in the eyes of the people raising us. We couldn't complain, be in pain, have feelings. We couldn't make our own choices. We couldn't keep secrets or talk about any of our issues unless our parents thought it was worth talking about. There wasn't the option to be honest without being criticized which would turn into negative feelings about opening up to people. In my opinion, if I couldn't trust my parents then how would I ever trust anyone else. I grew up believing that talking to people would lead to me being unhappy and getting hurt by people I cared about.

When a person is raised in such an environment, it makes it very easy for you to grow up and be a mute in social environments. I never gravitated towards other people nor did I ask the questions that I needed answers to in order to thrive as a female human. I know what I saw but I didn't know that was what I was supposed to learn from. There is so much peace in knowing who you are and loving yourself flaws and all. I'm tired of living this life. I don't know why I chose to do this even though I knew all the facts. I saw it coming and kept walking into it without thought because at the moment I just knew what I wanted. I was crawling fast and didn't even realize that I hadn't walked yet.

I am well aware of how things are and where they are going but I don't have the heart to stop. I really wish that it had stopped long before now and I had said something but I wanted it so badly. I never felt it this way and I needed to have it in order for me to find myself. I was comfortable in the negativity and I had no idea that if I let it happen I would end up hurting more in the end. I cared too much and saw something on the surface that I thought could be fixed with what was broken in me. I was hurting deep within the pit of my body and I just wanted someone who was broken to see me. I knew for a fact that a person who was put together and on the right path would be able to do that. I was right. A void could never fill another void. An empty heart could never make another complete. There is nothing in this world that could make someone whole without them knowing what it takes. Society builds this love story and makes you believe that someone else can come along and make you feel like a person again. They can give you what you are searching for, but that's not factual in the least bit.



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