Laughter... Belly aching laughter
Sunny days rolling down the high hills on the soft grass
Swimming with our friends in groups while meeting more friends enjoying the Summer
Ice cream melting down our hands turning into a sticky mess while licking off as much as we could
Drinking from the water hose at Granny's house because she's tired of people running in and out of her damn house... running up her light bill lol
Family dinners on holidays, birthdays, and any made up reason to get together
In those days, we didn't see our parents and grandparents as people who were going through life lessons and gaining experiences. The trials they faced at times kept them from being their best selves. They were so consumed by the bullshit that life was throwing at them that they may not have understood how that effected you and even your siblings.
Trauma is real. It can be carried internal and externally be shown through actions, decisions and responses in any situation. I always focused on my hurt as a child but I had never looked at it through the eyes of an adult. As a mother, I see how much my actions effect my children. Through those eyes, I see the pain on children's faces when I get upset and raise my voice. I can feel the weight of the pressure that is being placed on them due to me not acknowledging my own shit.
I have spent a lot of time thinking about how my mother should have been towards me. I have spent so many hours making it clear that she could have done better.
I have judged her for the neglect that I felt
I have held up a mirror and shown other people who they should be seeing
I haven't thought about their childhoods or upbringing
I haven't taken the time to review the traumas and pain that was cast on her over the years and how that effected her
I haven't respected how far she got with all that weight on her shoulders while raising all of us
I had to hold a mirror up to my own face and realize that I wasn't looking at myself in order for me to be better for my own children.
I am incomplete.
I am unsure.
I have doubts.
I have had depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts.
My own words may be skewed at times.
I am growing, changing and progressing into a woman who knows her flaws, faults and insecurities.
That is what makes me the person I am but it does not define me and I won't judge anyone anymore based on feelings.
It takes time for everyone to be put in a place where they have to choose to become someone greater than they are...
I have to remember that when I was a child my mind and emotions didn't understand adulthood. Of course, that doesn't take away my pain but it does give me the steps that I need to push forward to the next lesson.