Here comes the Boom

I've talked about f.e.a.r a lot in my past and that comes from being raised in a heavily religious family. No disrespect to anyone's beliefs but God has been the bane of my existence for decades. When I say "God", I mean the one who created the heavens and Earth while also creating a hatred for a whole LGBT+ community while forgiving pedophiles and murderers.

I am speaking about the God who will allow men and women who take advantage of children to be forgiven but not ease the pain of the children who have been traumatized for centuries. I am one of the many children who endured such pain and I was told to pray for God to help me through it. My mental health wasn't important because God only dealt with the spiritual. He was only there to help me with my faith and if I didn't let him fix me spiritually then I was wrong.

I was chastised for my depression and anxiety while watching my siblings be praised for mediocrity. I endured the oversight of a mother who needed to be loved in order for her to function peacefully. I endured the pressure from my siblings to be something that I knew in my heart I didn't want to be. I was viewed as too opinionated and aggressive because my thought process was different.

Every opportunity in my life that presented a challenge, I was told to pray about. If God didn't send it to you then you are doing things for "the Enemy". In all the years growing up I always wondered how God is mighty but everyone who served him was in f.e.a.r of "The Enemy". How did people not realize that they are giving "the Enemy" more power than he should get credit for having? He uses what is being given to him to rule supreme in your life.

Free will was most definitely something people overlooked when it came time to serve God. They literally believe that there is only 2 ways to live (which isn't realistic at all): You live for God and stay sheltered in fear of "the World" or you are living in sin. There was never an alternative in my household, I was always the one that "the Enemy" was using and prayer wasn't working.

As an adult I carried the fear of sin stained all over me from having a child out of wedlock. Wedlock is such a word though, isn't it? You have to be locked in contract with a man for you to adequate in this world of religion. You have to only have kids with that man for the rest of your existence. The craziest part is that man can leave you and be with someone else and you are supposed to forgive him because of your vows.

That is f*** s***.

The f.e.a.r of being a sinner came through in my approach to things. I tried to gain validation from my family by showing them I was a great mother even though I was suffering from PPD so bad I could barely get out the bed in the morning. I was moving fast and everything was a blur for a while. I started going out to the club and drinking heavily because if I was a sinner, I may as well enjoy it a bit right? I had every reason to be rebellious even though I had never been a wild child.

I watched as my sister was praised and given help while going through having a child out of wedlock. I watched as my family came together and encouraged mediocrity while shaming me for my choices. It was all different for me, I couldn't be wrong or make bad choices because that's not who I was supposed to be. Nobody in my life actually knew me at all and it was crushing to figure that out. The sheltered mind set that I had for so long lived through and eventually got out of helped me understand that the "God" I was raised to believe in had been created from someone else's mind.

I had been raised under the guise of "control, manipulation, validation and judgement". I was bred to be broken in a world that was full of wolves who always knew who the sheep were. I constantly fight to this day with the idea that "God" would be unhappy with my choices and then I do a quick snap out of it. I have to unlearn all the things forced on me and gain knowledge of faith and who I should trust in it. I have been working on my judgement of character and how I treat people. I have decided not to be bias just because a group of people are. There are things that shouldn't happen but still do and I have to keep myself emotionally secure to ensure that negativity doesn't take hold of my life, thoughts and feelings. d

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