There are days where I wonder if my kids will be like me. I try to figure out whether or not they will love the things that I loved as a child. I see the overwhelming capacity of intelligence that my kids have and realize that there are things made to be easy. Life is not one of them.
As I sit and watch the groups of kids flooding the hallways at the school and the teachers with their smiles as they lead them, I flash back to my years in school. School was my place of peace. I could zone out and only hear my thoughts in the place where I am sure some people couldn't dare keep up. I never allowed the noise to overwhelm me because there were too many people around for anyone to notice me.
My eyes were always down often in a book. Never realizing that I could hurt myself because eye contact wasn't my thing at all. If you looked at me then I turned away. I heard everything that was being said and that was how I made it. Stay out of dodge and ignore what I had deemed to be nonsense. I had no idea what I wanted to be nor did i know who I was. I just kept going to school and doing my best because I enjoyed it.
I never got involved with sports or extracurricular activities, I just did what I was supposed to do at school and went home.
So many days I used to wish I could go back and change the choices I made then so I could be a better person now. I understand now that I had to go through so many things back then so I could be strong and fearless now. I can teach my kids what I didn't know and didn't learn. I wore a smile at school and ignored daily life at home with headphones. I never understood why things at home couldn't be handled differently. I had the hardest time dealing with my life.
I left home full of anxiety and depression that I had no idea about. I couldn't breathe and stayed with a headache but I smiled anyway. I always noticed that it happened when I least expected it. I was stressed by the smallest things and panicked when I got it wrong. There were so many things I would have done differently then had I known it was my mental health dwindling. I was hanging by a thread and was so close to the edge at that time but school kept me sane.
As an adult, It is up to me to create an environment for my children to strive in. I have the ability to show them who they could be by standing tall and allowing them to see that there are no boundaries or limits on potential. No matter the obstacles our children should not be placed in a box with a label. It's not fair to them or the world that they can change. I will do my absolute best to hug them when they are sad and listen when they just need to talk. I will be at peace with raising human beings who are not the average. I didn't have many goals when I was kid but I have them now.